Dear Reader,
Here is an excerpt from a book, I am
reading. - The
Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever.
This excerpt rang alarm bells in my head. It answered to a question I had been asking
myself lately: “Why do I end up being over-busy and over-whelmed with unending
tasks?”
.. when this happens, Karpman says, we
are bouncing around between three archetypal roles – Victim, Persecutor and
Rescuer – each one as unhelpful and dysfunctional as the other. As you read
the descriptions of each role below, do two things: bring to mind someone
who’s particularly adept at each role, and bring to mind the circumstances in
which you most commonly play each role.
VICTIM
The core belief: “My life is so hard; my life is so unfair. ’Poor me’!”
The dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s theirs).”
The benefits of playing the role: You have no responsibility for fixing anything; you get to complain;
you attract Rescuers.
The price paid for playing the role: You have no sense of being able to change anything – any change is
outside you control. You’re know to be ineffective. An no one likes a whiner.
Stuck is: “I
feel stuck because I have no power and no influence. I feel useless.”
PERSECUTOR
The core belief: “I am surrounded by fools, idiots or just people less good than
me.”
The dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s yours).”
The benefits of playing the role: You feel superior and have a sense of power and control.
The price paid for playing the role: You end up bring responsible for everything. You create victims.
You’re known as a micro manager. People do the minimum for you and no more.
And no one likes a bully.
Stuck is: “I
feel stuck because I don’t trust anyone. I feel alone.”
RESCUER
The core belief: “Don’t fight, don’t worry, let me jump in and take it on and fix
it.”
The dynamic: “It’s my fault / responsibility (not yours).”
The benefits of playing the role: You feel morally superior; you believe you are indispensable.
The price paid for playing the role: People reject your help. You create Victims and perpetuate the
Drama Triangle. An no one likes a meddler.
Stuck is: “I
feel stuck because my rescuing doesn’t work. I feel burdened.”
These three labels aren’t descriptions of
who you are. They’re descriptions of how you’re behaving in a given
situation. No one is inherently a Victim of a Persecutor or a Rescuer. They
are roles we end up playing when we’ve been triggered and, in that state,
find a less-than-effective-version of ourselves playing out.
We all play all of these roles all the
time. Often, we’ll cycle through all of the roles in a single exchange with
someone lurching from Victim to Rescuer to persecutor and back again…. Think
of the most annoying person on your team right now, the one who’s giving you
difficulty even as we speak. Did you notice that in a flash, you jumped to
Persecutor (They make me so mad!), Victim (It’s not fair, why can’t I get
them onto someone else’s team?) and Rescuer (I’ll just keep trying to do
their work for them until they get up to speed) all at once?...
When we’re in Rescuer mode, we’re
constantly leaping in to solve problems, jumping in to offer advice, taking
over responsibilities that others should rightfully keep for themselves. We
do it with good intentions; we’re just trying to help, to “add value” as
managers. But you can already see the price that’s being paid by both sides.
You’re exhausted – and they’re irritated. You’re limiting opportunities for
growth and for expanding the potential of those you’re working with. More
provocatively you might be coming to understand that Rescuers create Victims,
though we want to believe that its’s the other way around…
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The author goes on to suggesting an
approach that can be summed up as;
a. You’ll fall often in the drama triangle. Quicker you learn to
recognize, faster you will come out of it
b. Ask: How can I help you? What do you want from me?
c. Be prepared to say NO, if the request does not work for you. There
is a whole chapter on that in the book.
May this excerpt inspire you to exit the
drama triangle if and whenever you get caught into. It has helped me realize that
jumping into the rescuer mode is instead damaging the very same person I rescued.
Warm regards
