Dear Reader,
I saw a TEDx Talk recently on emotional
hygiene by Dr Guy Winch (7 million views). I could resonate with many points in
this talk. I found the concepts and examples on loneliness, failure and
rejection very compelling. He talks about how we are partial dealing with
emotional wounds compared to how much care we give for physical wounds.
Here is a link to the 18 minute talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene
Dr Winch talks about his twin brother who
is also a psychologist:
“We didn't study together,
though. In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is move across the
Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology. We were apart then
for the first time in our lives, and the separation was brutal for both of us.
But while he remained among family and friends, I was alone in a new country.
We missed each other terribly, but international phone calls were really
expensive then, and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week. When
our birthday rolled around, it was the first we wouldn't be spending together.
We decided to splurge, and that week, we would talk for 10 minutes.
I spent the morning pacing
around my room, waiting for him to call -- and waiting ... and waiting. But the
phone didn't ring. Given the time difference, I assumed, "OK, he's out
with friends, he'll call later." There were no cell phones then. But he didn't.
And I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, he no longer
missed me the way I missed him. I knew he would call in the morning, but that
night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life. I woke up the next
morning. I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the
hook when pacing the day before. I stumbled out of bed, I put the phone back on
the receiver, and it rang a second later. And it was my brother, and boy, was
he pissed.
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well. Now, I tried to explain what happened, but he said,
"I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you, why didn't you just
pick up the phone and call me?" He was right. Why didn't I call him? I
didn't have an answer then. But I do today, and it's a simple one: loneliness.
Loneliness creates a deep
psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our
thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they
actually do. It makes us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself
up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you
can stand? I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was
surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. But loneliness is
defined purely subjectively. It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally
or socially disconnected from those around you. And I did.”
Warm regards
