Handling situations that hold you hostage

Are you being held hostage without knowing it?? Last month I was doing research on ‘Authentic Dialogue’ and ‘Conflict management’ and I came across this gem of a book.

Hostage at the table – George Kohlrieser. 

 

Here is the starting story from this book:

A nine-year-old girl was spending time with her grandparents in Kansas. The grandfather was away, so she was sleeping with her grandmother.

Suddenly, she woke in the middle of the night to see her elderly grandmother sitting up in bed and a man standing over her, dripping with rain and with a wooden club in his hand, ready to strike. The little girl felt a scream rising, and then her grandmother touched her hand and she felt a flood of calm wash over her. 

The grandmother said to the man, “I am glad you found our house. You’ve come to the right place. You are welcome here. It is a bad night to be out. You are cold, wet, and hungry. Take the firewood you have there and go stir up the kitchen stove. Let me put some clothes on, and I will find you some dry clothes, fix a good hot meal, and make a place for you to sleep behind the stove where it is good and warm.” She said no more but waited calmly.

After a long pause, the man lowered the club and said, “I won’t hurt you.” She then met him in the kitchen and cooked him a meal, gave him the dry clothes, and made a bed up for him behind the stove. The grandmother then went back to her bed and she and her granddaughter went back to sleep. They awoke in the morning to find the man gone.

At about 10 A.M., the police arrived with a canine unit that had followed the man’s scent to the house. They were shocked to find the grandmother and granddaughter still alive. The man was a psychopathic murderer who had escaped from prison the night before and brutally slaughtered the family who were the nearest neighbours.

This story gave me goose bumps. I was wondering how would I handle such a situation. How would you? I learnt that there is a another way beyond fight / flight / freeze response.  

The author goes on to say:

This amazing grandmother had created so much emotional bonding with the intruder that he could not kill her. She had treated him with a kindness and respect that had disarmed him both literally and figuratively. The fact is people do not kill people, they kill things or objects …

Fortunately, the likelihood of physically being taken hostage is slim. However, all of us can be taken hostage metaphorically – that is, made to feel threatened, manipulated, and victimized – everyday by bosses, colleagues, customers, family members, or virtually anyone with whom we interact. We can also become hostage to events or circumstances happening in our lives. We can even become hostages to ourselves, our own mind-sets, our emotions, and our habits.

The author is a former hostage negotiator. He offers keys to managing conflict at work and in our everyday lives.

This book changed my relationship with conflict. I had a kind of ‘conflict phobia’ and a tendency to avoid confrontations. I learnt that it is only by openly facing conflict that one can truly progress through the most difficult challenges. I have started taking things head on instead of avoiding them or hoping that they disappear by some magic.

With many true and compelling stories, this book shows how to:

-        Put the ‘Fish on the Table’ to resolve conflict

-        Learn to bond, even with your ‘enemy’

-        Never think like a hostage

-        Tap into the power of dialogue and negotiation

-        Access the law of reciprocity to build cooperation

-        Be a secure base to establish trust

-        Understand that the person is never the problem

-        Master the mind’s eye and visualize success

This TEDx talk by the author will also give you a good glimpse of this concept. Do take a look:

Reading this book gave me a new level of freedom. I highly recommend this book to help solve the hostage situations in your life, if any.

36 questions that lead to love!!!

Here is an interesting exercise that is guaranteed to enrich your close relationships. You can even do it with your spouse to fall in love all over again.

It is claimed that if 2 people do this exercise diligently, the likelihood of them falling in love is very high. We picked this from the following article

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This

Here is how the exercise is to be done:

1.     Put aside 1-2 hours for this exercise in a quiet place

2.     No distractions

3.     No mobiles, music, TV etc.

Step 1 – one partner reads one question, other partner replies. Then first partner also answers the question

Step 2 – 2^nd partner reads next question. 1^st partner replies, then 2^nd partner also answers the question.

Repeat till you complete 36 questions.

Caution: Just reading the questions, doing this exercise in your mind has no benefit. The true benefit is doing this with your partner.

Wishing you more enriched partnerships.

But where are the questions!! They are here:    

Here are the 36 questions!!!

Set I

1.     Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2.     Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3.     Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4.     What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5.     When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6.     If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7.     Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8.     Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9.     For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10.  If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11.  Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12.  If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13.  If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14.  Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15.  What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16.  What do you value most in a friendship?

17.  What is your most treasured memory?

18.  What is your most terrible memory?

19.  If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20.  What does friendship mean to you?

21.  What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22.  Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23.  How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24.  How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25.  Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26.  Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27.  If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28.  Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29.  Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30.  When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31.  Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32.  What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33.  If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34.  Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35.  Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36.  Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Miss me but let me go!! a message from above

Most of us know someone who was very dear to us and moved on from this earth. I came across this poem and found it very touching and meaningful.

In case someone dear to you has moved on, consider this as a message from that soul !!

Miss Me But Let Me Go When I come to the end of the road And the sun has set for me I want no rites in a gloom-filled room Why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little - but not too long And not with your head bowed low Remember the love that we once shared Miss me - but let me go For this is a journey that we all must take And each must go alone. It's all part of the Master's plan A step on the road to home When you are lonely and sick of heart Go to the friends we know And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds Miss me but let me go. Author – unknown

May this poem remind you of the love you shared and help you close your circle of grief.

10 natural tips to better sleep

Dear Reader,

My favourite lines from Robert Frost are:

These woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

(Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert frost)

Many of us have loads of promises to keep and still miles to go. And the sleep is first thing that gets compromised. I learnt the hard way from THAC – the natural law wellness experts, that EIGHT hours of restful sleep in darkness is essential, beyond a positive attitude, consistent exercise regime, a toned fit body,

The key purpose of sleep is to

• Repair and regenerate
• Recharge us like a battery
• Replenish burnt up stock
• Generate nerve energy for renewal
• Remove toxic metabolic wastes
• Generate new cells

I learnt that it is important to balance between daily action & rest.

Despite all my excuses of busyness, I started clocking my daily sleep with an objective of average 8 hours. I managed to alter my schedules to prioritize sleep. I shifted from an average of 5 hours to 8 hours per day. One surprise by-product was that my lifetime digestive issues disappeared immediately!!

Some tried and tested natural tips that we learnt from THAC to enhance sound sleep are:

1. Start dimming lights after sun set. Attempt having a candle light dinner sometime.
2. Minimise using white-light after sunset. Switch mobile to ‘night-shift’ mode and have a cut-off time for screen use.
3. Use a diffuser or a spray to spread aroma in the bedroom before your bed time. Natural fragrances relax the body better than artificial fragrances.
4. Switch off wi-fi devices. Their radio waves can hamper sleep.
5. Take an aroma bath before sleeping. In a bucket of water add 5-10 drops of any essential oil of your choice. Or else take a final aroma rinse using a mug with few aroma drops added.
6. Apply ginger juice and rose water mixture on soles of the feet before sleeping
7. Sprinkle some essential oil on your pillow and/or collar before sleeping.
8. Apply cotton pads soaked in rose water on your eyes.
9. Chant mmm (last syllable of OM) when you lie down to sleep.
10. Say gibberish words non-stop till you are out of breath. This is very effective in switching off the brain & the many thoughts which continue even during sleep.

With these tips we found that the softness of the bed, type of pillow, temperature of the room, snooze button of the alarm suddenly stopped mattering.

Wishing you restful sleep & energetic mornings.

Warm regards,

Rohan